"Tell me more" can be rendered ineffective by the other parties unwillingness to provide additional information.
I was recently dating an amazing woman and lost her because of my inability to communicate and negotiate effectively. She had complained to me several times about things that I was doing and I always defended my position instead of addressing the issues. I viewed my position as "trying as hard as I can to be a good boyfriend." Every time she attempted to tell me that she didn't perceive my actions the same way, I tried to defend my position. I explained to her why her perception was wrong. After several weeks of not hearing her warnings or not fully understanding her feelings, she had finally decided that things were not going to work. I wish I had read "Getting to Yes" sooner before the damage was done.
During our breakup discussion, I thought back to the negotiation class exercise "tell me more." I wanted to get to the substantive issues behind her decision to end things. I desperately wanted to separate the person (me) from the underlying problem. Unfortunately it seems, she was unwavering on her perception that I was the problem. By this time her position had already changed to "wanting out." I tried countless times to ask her for more information about what the exact problems were and I faced the same generalized grievances as she continued to defend her position of ending things. I believe that "tell me more" could have saved this relationship if I had used it at a time when her position was still "wanting things to be better."
I feel like this class has already helped me realize some critical mistakes I have been making.
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